What I couldn't say, but I will now

Many times I started to say something only to be shut down and any open doors slammed in my face. Just the mention of an issue and I was shut down, locked out, and dismissed.  The issue will not be discussed!  It would not be talked about or resolved.  Resolution was written off and reconciliation apparently was not desired. Even the existence of the issue was denied altogether though the outcome of ignoring it or "not discussing it" has brought about destruction that has and will reverberate for years to come.  So sad and unnecessary.   I can speak to those issues now and I will.  Right here! No one can stop me now.  I have walked through many miles of forgiveness and there is distance between myself and the carnage of those cruel times.  Thank God! I do believe there is a time and place for everything, so I am giving myself much-needed permission to speak to those things now and instead of it being me sitting there having to "take it" quietly, it is the person who reads this knowing I refer to them and their treatment of me.  So...la de dah!  
I witnessed my character being underestimated several times in my life.  Either that or I was brushed off as not having any character at all.  How wrong you were!  This assessment was based on what?  I admit I have been opinionated about issues to you and have since learned I was wrong on some counts, however, not on all.  Having trust in and respect for someone is valuable, but not necessarily valued.  I respected and valued you!  Yet a blame of some kind was aimed at me.  I was pushed aside and disrespected though I poured out my heart and my whole being on the altar of "The calling".  I will not apologize for taking you at your word, nor will I bow to that horrid monster of flesh that tried to rule over me back then.  It was evil and cruel what was done to me. Why?  What did I do to deserve such treatment? You were too much of a coward to face your own demons - so much so that you blamed me for them and let me take the punishment.  All the while you spoke of grace to others.  Well - I took all of the garbage you threw at me and passed it on up to Someone much bigger than I. "I take the blame" I heard when I prayed. Though it was obvious you wished evil upon me and for a while I wished the same for you in return, that is not the case anymore.  It hasn't been the case for many years now.  I realized that it wasn't me at all.  I have no regrets!  I was healed because of the realization that I know I obeyed God!  I know I loved with all my heart!  I know that I gave, I stayed, and I was faithful to what I know I was supposed to do.  Did I have faults. Yes!  Did I make mistakes?  Yes, definitely.  You may never hear my heart and I don't really care anymore.  I blessed you and sacrificed for you, but it was too hard for you to give in return - you didn't realize that by withholding you cheated yourself out of so much! I offered you the cup of my life and you drank it down not offering yours in return, but you were robbed!  I know there are things that were "installed" in my experience and in my being that was meant to bring life to you and vice-versa.
I was told that even if that person said they were sorry that it probably would not be enough.  I've chewed on that for a few years now. Truth is, it probably wouldn't!  Though there were times when I felt you were close to apologizing - it never came my way.  Something would have been nice! Something directly addressing the hurt and loss honestly - that showed thoughtfulness and repentance.  I think it would have made such a big difference over the years if you had just made it point to not be a jerk when dealing with me! There were so many times it was just a little thing and you robbed me of the enjoyment because of your selfishness.  You had to be hateful to maintain your current image?  Image...the outward appearance to cover an inward stinking pile (in your case).  I will admit, there are times and seasons when I am angry all over again - certain reminders of what was lost just makes me shake my head in anger, but it doesn't last and once again I give it back to the Lord until it goes away.  I trust Him and know that God has a plan to make things right once again, some day.    
I don't miss you like I used to.  I don't dream about you or long for you like I once did.  
I know I have forgiven you.  I am not where I was back then and I am thankful for it.    

The Word "Transition"

 Transition: 
1  a: passage from one state, stage, subject, or place to another
    b: a movement, development, or evolution from one form, stage, or style to another

2

a : a musical modulation b : a musical passage leading from one section of a piece to another 

(definition from Merriam Webster's Dictionary online)

I tried to squeeze through the passage, but I'm too fat.  I have to wait to pass through transition until I lose some weight first?  This might explain the reason for the carving going on in my life. Physically I need to lose weight too - probably about 50 pounds?  I've gotten fat and I've never been in this place before.  I've gradually gained over the last number of years.  I don't like it.  I also don't like the way life has changed - particularly in certain areas.  For example: Why do I have to "think" about exercising?  I used to just do stuff and the weight stayed off.  As a matter of fact, I had trouble gaining weight.  Now, I have to exert some kind of thought and planning into it because there aren't exercise "things" that just happen much.  Why is that?  I know how old I am (I'm tempted to furrow my brows and frown), I just don't believe it. LOL.  On the outside, I KNOW I'm getting older, but on the inside I don't feel "old".  

The word "transition" reminds me of having babies.  Getting to the point of transition is often bumpy, full of pain, and quite a bit of panting and puffing. Don't forget there must be a focal point, ice chips.  I personally required a cool wet washcloth used to distract myself.  It also helps to have your partner present; someone whose hand is available to squeeze until it turns blue, and who could coach me with the right breathing when the pain came on with ferocity.     

For me the word "Limbo" is often also associated with transition.  The definitions a, c, and d, I've listed below apply to me here.  I don't see transition as a place of neglect or oblivion - not in this case (definition b).     
LIMBO

1

often capitalized : an abode of souls that are according to Roman Catholic theology barred from heaven because of not having received Christian baptism

2

a : a place or state of restraint or confinementb : a place or state of neglect or oblivion <proposals kept inlimbo>c : an intermediate or transitional place or stated : a state of uncertainty

(Definition of LIMBO from Merriam Webster's Dictionary)

I don't know what to say about that first definition of limbo - abode of souls?  That definition sounds like purgatory.  I only listed it because it was in the dictionary, okay?

Restraint - definitely is a part of this process of transition I've been in.  My kids are almost grown and it has been a very different place to watch the pieces develop.  I can't just jump in there anymore and direct traffic.  I have to let them hash things out for themselves.  I am kept from other areas too that are painful for me to just sit by and watch.  Family growing pains I guess.   

I am wondering what to do about my job and future.  Child support stopped bringing with it a major drop in income.  Thus, the "state of uncertainty" that has lasted ever since.
Life has to go forward or it stagnates.  I like to hold on to the good things, but I want new things to happen too.   My life has already undergone so much change recently.  When in labor transition I knew there was something good when it was all done.  

The grass is yellowing in the yard, my roommate says.  "It needs nitrogen" says her brilliant landscape artiste' brother.  In other words it needs chicken poop.  The moral of that story is - if you're yellow the cure is chicken poop.  Trouble will give you courage and force you to make decisions you didn't think you could make.

In the last few years I kept making the comment (my youngest children might recall) about feeling as if blades were being brought down upon either side of me to shave away the unnecessary things in my life.  Painful and frustrating yet it has lightened my life/load.
I mentioned my roommate.  
Ahhh yes, my roommate.  This is another fairly recent change.  I no longer have my own apartment or house.  Rather I rent a room in a house from family.  I'm the youngest of five girls, three boys and one of my four sisters lives here too.  She is next up from me! My sister lives across the hall.  I love it!  Surprisingly, it works well for me.  I have few responsibilities other than plants who need water.  That is a total switch from having the kids at home.  I miss them very much, but I'm happy they are independent and seem to enjoy it too.  I pay my rent and a little extra for my cable, which has freed me up to work on paying off nagging little bills and get finished with school.  I'm getting a degree in BS! Bachelor of Science in Health Informatics.  I am a senior near the end of this year!  More transition.  My hope is to earn enough from my BS to have "do-power!"  LOL  Not doo-doo power, though if that works for some it might possibly work for me too.  I will have to think more on that later.

Did you notice I steered away from the fat part of this conversation?  I'm trying to stay away from it and that's just another way to cut down!

I met yet another person who runs for exercise last night and the message in my heart was reiterated.  I used to run.  In my heart I run.  My body...not yet.  I am going to try the program for my IPhone she suggested - The Couch to 5K app.  It yells at you to WALK...RUN...WALK...RUN to do interval training.  We'll see.  I don't let very many people yell at me.  It is for that reason especially that I don't like super hard rock music.  IF I am going to be yelled at I would like to understand what is being said to me at least.  They say that our bodies remember what it used to look like.  I hope mine didn't develop some kind of muscle or body Alzheimers.  I had a nice bod back in the day.  I kind of wouldn't mind enjoying a few more miles out of it.  My drive to have a hot bod is not the same as it was when I was unmarried as a teen.  I want to look good and I also want to keep some of what I've gained on account of it took so long to get it and what is the first thing that goes when losing weight? Decisions, decisions.  How to lose weight without losing it?

Another rabbit trail: I just found out a good friend of mine passed away.  He and I hadn't talked since I moved back to Washington.  I prayed for him at different times since I left.  We used to play in a worship band together.  He was the bass player and I was the worship leader. I couldn't imagine my life without my friend in it, but whether I liked it or not, I was forced to adjust.  It's just the way of life that has taken me many years to see and accept.
Transition means adjustments.  Uncomfortable usually, but definitely reality. I am thankful he and I were friends as long as we were - about 4 years.  We shared a passion for guitar and worship.  I will miss him still, but I smile when I think about times we had.

Change transforms something - if not us than the things that surround us.  I try to embrace it, but sometimes it pokes me!  Admire change from a distance?  Loosely show affection toward change by waving at it (Hello? Goodbye?).  I rest assured that it will come over anyway. Like the kid down the street whose mother told him not to eat at the neighbors who somehow ends up with a plate at your table. Ah well!  Glad you like my mac' n' cheese.