Many times I started to say something only to be shut down and any open doors slammed in my face. Just the mention of an issue and I was shut down, locked out, and dismissed. The issue will not be discussed! It would not be talked about or resolved. Resolution was written off and reconciliation apparently was not desired. Even the existence of the issue was denied altogether though the outcome of ignoring it or "not discussing it" has brought about destruction that has and will reverberate for years to come. So sad and unnecessary. I can speak to those issues now and I will. Right here! No one can stop me now. I have walked through many miles of forgiveness and there is distance between myself and the carnage of those cruel times. Thank God! I do believe there is a time and place for everything, so I am giving myself much-needed permission to speak to those things now and instead of it being me sitting there having to "take it" quietly, it is the person who reads this knowing I refer to them and their treatment of me. So...la de dah!
I witnessed my character being underestimated several times in my life. Either that or I was brushed off as not having any character at all. How wrong you were! This assessment was based on what? I admit I have been opinionated about issues to you and have since learned I was wrong on some counts, however, not on all. Having trust in and respect for someone is valuable, but not necessarily valued. I respected and valued you! Yet a blame of some kind was aimed at me. I was pushed aside and disrespected though I poured out my heart and my whole being on the altar of "The calling". I will not apologize for taking you at your word, nor will I bow to that horrid monster of flesh that tried to rule over me back then. It was evil and cruel what was done to me. Why? What did I do to deserve such treatment? You were too much of a coward to face your own demons - so much so that you blamed me for them and let me take the punishment. All the while you spoke of grace to others. Well - I took all of the garbage you threw at me and passed it on up to Someone much bigger than I. "I take the blame" I heard when I prayed. Though it was obvious you wished evil upon me and for a while I wished the same for you in return, that is not the case anymore. It hasn't been the case for many years now. I realized that it wasn't me at all. I have no regrets! I was healed because of the realization that I know I obeyed God! I know I loved with all my heart! I know that I gave, I stayed, and I was faithful to what I know I was supposed to do. Did I have faults. Yes! Did I make mistakes? Yes, definitely. You may never hear my heart and I don't really care anymore. I blessed you and sacrificed for you, but it was too hard for you to give in return - you didn't realize that by withholding you cheated yourself out of so much! I offered you the cup of my life and you drank it down not offering yours in return, but you were robbed! I know there are things that were "installed" in my experience and in my being that was meant to bring life to you and vice-versa.
I was told that even if that person said they were sorry that it probably would not be enough. I've chewed on that for a few years now. Truth is, it probably wouldn't! Though there were times when I felt you were close to apologizing - it never came my way. Something would have been nice! Something directly addressing the hurt and loss honestly - that showed thoughtfulness and repentance. I think it would have made such a big difference over the years if you had just made it point to not be a jerk when dealing with me! There were so many times it was just a little thing and you robbed me of the enjoyment because of your selfishness. You had to be hateful to maintain your current image? Image...the outward appearance to cover an inward stinking pile (in your case). I will admit, there are times and seasons when I am angry all over again - certain reminders of what was lost just makes me shake my head in anger, but it doesn't last and once again I give it back to the Lord until it goes away. I trust Him and know that God has a plan to make things right once again, some day.
I don't miss you like I used to. I don't dream about you or long for you like I once did.
I know I have forgiven you. I am not where I was back then and I am thankful for it.
