Dear Me;
I've written letters to just about everyone I felt strong emotions about over the years to address the hurts, the tired old unforgiveness, or to close the issue. I probably have a few more I will want to write, but not at this moment. Right now I think it's time to write one to me! There are feelings that get all bottled up and sometimes it just needs to have an outlet somewhere. Here goes! I will try to be graceful here and not "barf". If you are reading this, please read with an open heart!
Me - I like you (most of the time) and I respect you even though I see your flaws and remember some of the mistakes you made both big and small! Actually, I think you're doing great! You've come a long way baby! Recently, you recognized manipulation that someone was trying to play out on you and instead of letting it get the best of you, you just let them go! Wow! I am seriously shocked at how much you have grown in this area. You dealt with it positively and you can honestly say you have no regrets about that person! Way to go! What a relief isn't it? I know it makes you mad to realize what is actually being said by their actions - in essence "they do not care about you at all - not one iota". Sad, but true. Here you took that person at their word, you opened up your heart, and unfortunately, their words fell short...again. No hero there. No knight in shining armor. I know it's a bummer - you had such high hopes that you would see them shine through. Realistically speaking, you know deep in your heart of hearts that the armor of knights these days do not see much in the way of polish because polish happens in a person who is a watchman over their soul. Also rare. There are a few out there, this time it just wasn't to be. Sigh. Disappointing I know. There aren't many who shine and become a hero in your eyes. Why is that? I think it's because if a person does not do what they say you lose respect right off.
Admittedly, you learned a great deal from this situation though. You may not have expectations in certain areas per se, but common courtesies were ignored. It is one thing to be too hard on someone (and at times - you put a few nails in the ol' coffin girl), and another thing altogether to be expected to put up with trashy, ignorant behavior. You did right by you Me by stepping back when you saw that you were not valued enough to be sought after, pursued, and considered a worthwhile discovery. You are not the kind of woman who is willing to allow the best part of you to be destroyed so someone else can walk away with your heart. At least, not anymore. It is obvious that it was not meant to be and on this side of things, it is actually a relief to know. Don't you think? What is it that gives hope a knight is even out there? Remember the book you listened to at work? Remember how the "character traits" exhibited humility, love, and courage you found so attractive and encouraging? I know it was "just a book", but you have witnessed for yourself the caliber of man you would like to know - it's rare for sure, but you caught a glimpse and your heart was warmed at the thought. God has promised many awesome things I don't want you to forget! Remember how you realized that God is the One who ultimately has all of those traits? He is the One that makes your heart skip a beat! I mean it would be difficult to live up to that for just a "regular ol' guy", but it is possible to recognize those traits in a man, provided he has God living in the depths of his heart. In order to impress you his heart would have to be synced with God's. Perfection? No. Imperfection graced by Perfection Himself. Yes!
The minute you turned, took a step away from all the garbage that was trying to swallow you up, it was the beginning step toward healing, restoration, and major growth if you ask me! Who needs someone who doesn't get you? Who doesn't get God? Do not apologize for loving God! Do not allow your convictions and the reaction you received to those convictions discourage you. Just keep walking. Don't stop! Focus!
What's even more interesting is what else I witnessed going on in your heart. The temptation to be hard-hearted is always going to present itself, but you chose to pray for that person. Yes, you had to distance yourself from the situation and them, but that is for your sanity and well-being! It's getting easier to do that isn't it! Now that you recognize the manipulation for what it is, you don't have to put your feelings out there and you can release it. I saw the pearls that were held out to you (they were fake and it didn't take long for you to recognize that either!). The intention was clear - to strip you of all of your valuables and give nothing in return. Good thing you were listening to the Lord! Keep your ears open. That person does not want to value your heart, so guard it Missy! When you notice that your best interest is not their goal - run honey! RUN the other way! Don't allow them to walk right in any more. The door used to be open to them, but they will have to inquire first outside the gate now and even then...batten down the hatches. Oh well! Your heart is not hard toward them, but you've been here done that - no more! That's just testimony of the work God has been doing in your heart. Don't let go of God! Though the circumstances have been somewhat discouraging, hang in there! Some people won't understand where you're going or what you're about - that's just life. You are in the process of learning to be direct and honest in a way that is kind, is commendable. You know you've made mistakes and people have been hurt. So have you. You don't like to be direct because it is uncomfortable, but sometimes it is necessary and you're doing that one small step at a time. Allow room to grow and do not condemn yourself. These are milestones for you Me, and you know not everyone is going to appreciate what I see, know, and remember. I know its been lonely lately and people let you down. The value of being a person of your word doesn't diminish because those you have come in contact with do not value their own word or HIS for that matter. Don't forget that no one can fill the place in your heart meant only for the Most Awesome One. He doesn't lie, cheat, steal, turn his back on you, harm you, or betray you in any way. He looks out for you and deeply cares about your life. Pretty good counsel if I do say so myself. It would be great to have a companion, friend, partner...God knows your heart. The desire is there for a reason.
Memories will have to be categorized. Some things (memories) are not worth keeping around. Jettison those bad ones unless remembering them helps you push forward. You've found new ways to keep yourself busy and positive - get at it and stay at it! Remember how much better you felt because you invested time in what means most to you? You can do this! Get going after those dreams and goals - press in until you see it come to pass! You can be the best version of you ever. Pray darlin'!
That other issue that you heard while listening to that song last week. Don't lose heart! He is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that you ask for or think! You can't see it right now - that's okay! You' don't have to when you make the choice to trust Him. Think about it. Trusting God doesn't always make sense. The pieces of the future will unfold as God sees fit. Me - you take courage. If there is a someone, I believe with all my heart, that that man will like you and want to be with you. They will seek the time, make the time to cultivate a lasting friendship and relationship. No more wasting time on people who don't really care or know the meaning of "dating". Once you see they are not willing to "invest" (this does not necessarily mean spending money, but rather their time, give of themselves, and maybe money too eventually), just move on down the road. They are playing games! You know that you are capable of giving thoughtfully and generously - don't waste it on someone who is stingy with their life.
Another thing you need to hear Me - there are those who will never appreciate you for you. You have to realize that the security of your being is safe in Jesus' hands! I commit you into His hands again. Allow the rejections and hurts to bounce off and go straight up to the throne. He will take them and then fill you back up with His presence. He is faithful and good - very good! Some people won't ever get you. Again, that's okay. The time will come when God will bring the right people into your life that will build you up and will be reciprocal in nature. They will not only build you up, but will allow you to invest into their lives too. Those are God-built relationships. He knows what you need and desire - He will meet those needs His way, in His time. That person will just "fit". Me, you are worthy of having people who care about you. You have a lot to give and much love to offer someone. One day life will change for the better! Now pick that chin up, keep working on your health, finish school, stay focused on your goals, work that awesome job, and like who you are - all of you! Sincerely Me.
