Dearly Beloved;
We are gathered here today to clear the air, to hopefully gain some perspective, to put things to right, and to bring about some semblance of order in an unruly and stubbornly difficult area. Mind you, this might be tough or even painful, but it must be done. Who else is going to do it? We wouldn't want to just leave things as they are. Maybe you do, but that's just it! With things just "left as they are" they do not get better, but rather bitter. It is festering and smoldering, so it must be uprooted and put out! I long for peace and entreat you my dearest; please give heart and listen to what I have to say. I love you and I always will! You are my dearly beloved. That is a fact that will never, ever, ever change. I know you have felt otherwise over the years. I'm so sorry that I failed you. I let you down. I hurt you and when I should have left the door open, I closed it behind you That decision cost us both very much. It left me grieved and you afraid and seemingly alone. Oh my heart for you! I miss you and pray for you dear one. My words, they are inadequate to describe the loss and the regret in this one thing concerning you. You are valuable to me, were valuable to me then as well. What I failed to do back then was to recognize the vulnerability underneath that crusty, hardened exterior you were showing me. I reacted! I made a mistake that I could not undo. Are you forever lost to me? Is there no recourse? I wish I could say just the right thing to let you know exactly what your heart cries out for, but I do not know what that is. Only God knows what that is. There's time that has been lost and I know it. Oh Redeemer God! I cannot hide behind the weakness of my upbringing nor the illness that plagued me at the time. I take responsibility for my actions and I understand how my ignorance brought you to a place of desolate brokenness and bitterness of mind and/or memory. Do you remember the circumstances of that fateful day? I dared to discipline because there were others who were being hurt or threatened. Actions leading up to this day - claims upon that which is mine by authority such as my dwelling place and my safe harbor were desired, but they were not at hand to give. Such as things were, I struggled with behaviors growing in the heart of a "tween" who wielded power, granted a big sword, but truly was way too young to bear it. This power that was unfair and against my heartfelt wishes. I was left mute, unable to say or do anything against the tide of events that overtook my life. From the moment you arrived, it was my beloved who won the heart of what I thought was mine. I learned in time that I had no say in that either. I didn't sign up for the lonely desert. I didn't bargain for the life of desolation on the backside of the deepest, darkest pit I've ever seen. Unfortunately, I was given knowledge about the day that came, a bit of a head's up, but I didn't know by whom the news would be delivered first. I started to see the walls of my dreams, my family, my heart literally begin to crumble before my eyes. Do you think it cost me nothing to walk out this path that was before me? Do you think your choices had no effect upon all who loved you? There were incidences of charcoal and heartbreak, immodest choices, bad company, those days that felt like spinning wheels and muck, like mire. Yes, those evil religious people, those sickened in their mind and others who spoke and did things that hurt my beloved. Why didn't I see what was happening or know exactly what to do? Why didn't I know right away? I didn't. I'm so sorry! I didn't, until after you were hurt. Why things were the way they were - I could judge myself a thousand ways and still not render enough judgement, but that is destructive. I had to be strong for all. I had to live for you and them. I had to live for me too. I had more expectations placed upon me, more dire needs clamoring for my attention, time, effort, and decision. I was not...complete. I was broken too. Many times I could have run away. I could have used other means to cope, but I didn't. Yes, I made mistakes in judgment and in understanding you.
From cello strings to red noses, from hatted and catted story books, from singing songs and loving arms - my heart and my love still stands at the ready, yet unsure how to proceed because beyond those things and in between those things pain radiates as a thorn in the lion's foot, a festered splinter. Who am I to offer to take it out? I have soaked this matter in the Word - the warmth of the Love of God - the washing water of the Word will take out the sting. I know it's power! My beloved, the day has come to rip the page out of the journal that reeks of death and send it either up in flames or down the river never to be seen again. I'm asking, pleading, praying - will you forgive me? Will you lay this down with me? I speak to these dead bones - LIVE! in Jesus' Name LIVE! I call you forth beloved of the covenant - sing to the Lord a NEW song! The Blood of Jesus covers our lives and we can walk in freedom! I release you into the Hands of the Father - and I pray for restoration.
Please hear my heart! I love you beloved! I love you!
