If you were a traveler on the road of my life, you might have just driven by a significant pile of rocks on the side of the road. Those would be the ones that signify and/or represent the latest transformation happening in my world. The subject just keeps coming up and I kept saying to myself, "Didn't I already do that?" I had no idea I was so adept at hiding things from myself. So, maybe a pile of rocks wouldn't be significant or even matter if you were driving along, but this one...this particular set, though it probably wouldn't be a work of art or somehow form a beautiful sculpture means something to me. So if you're on my road, hopefully you will seek to understand it's significance, and possibly stop to read the "sign".
My life has taken its twists and turns, and if you know me, you are aware of some of those other events. It is in this area that I see just how much of my Dad I carry around with me. He always struggled to get over things. I think that's because he was a deeply loyal and loving person. Things just hurt him to the core, especially when it came to those he loved. He's gone now, and has been for several years, but I've had him on my mind. When I think of him, I remember how difficult it was for him to move forward in life. He often got stuck in the pain of losses and griefs that broke his heart - I think even more than he realized. It was because I saw this in him during one of the times I lived with him after my parent's divorce that I decided I wanted to do better than that for me. This doesn't mean I mastered it per se. I was just more aware of the ingrained problem. It's strange how you see things in your parents and then the echo reverberating in yourself. Forgiveness. To forgive or not to forgive...that is the question! All my years as a "believer" (another story for sure!) and after all the things I went through to bring me to that point - forgiveness is definitely a "rock formation" in my life. It has to be! Not only toward others, but toward myself as well.
One of my friends made a comment to me when I was sharing about my life. I walked through forgiveness toward a few people in my life because it freed me up to keep living. These people are the ones that aren't sorry and who will never seek forgiveness from me (see previous pile of rocks!). He said, "Even if they said they were sorry, would it be enough?" The fact is, they never have and they never will! But if they did...If they acknowledged truthfully and honestly (how would I know that?) what they did wrong and owned it - would that be enough? Hmmm. Daddy must have felt that too. There are some things that when the damage bulldozes the treasures of your life and destroys the delicate sweetness of it...it cannot return to that state. No...it wouldn't be enough. Yet, I don't have the hatred anymore. I did deal with bitterness for years! As did Daddy. When people make decisions that affect us and those we love, the carnage that is left behind with you to deal with, to clean up after, or to live with. Grrr! But, that question bounced around like a racquetball. Basically, I went back to my counselor's steps in forgiveness: 1. I forgive them. 2. I set them free. 3. They don't owe me anything. 4. I commit them into the Lord's hands.
The third step is what set ME free. For so many years, I wanted to skin 'em and hang 'em out to dry! I even have a snakeskin patterned duster that I wear laughingly - I skinned 'em and now I wear 'em!
The realization that I really don't wish any harm on them (and never did in the first place) hit me with such force when I walked through those steps. The humbling reminder that I too, have made mistakes and need forgiveness from others. Will forgiveness be there for me when I need it, if I refuse to give it now? Not exacting some kind of "you-owe-me" benefits from a wrong-doer unveils the ugly part of my heart that was bitter and unforgiving. Daddy found out too late. It took me awhile too, but I'm getting it. It's really not worth grinding it out in my stomach producing ulcers and all manner of stress. I think the verses in 1 Corinthians 13 say it pretty clearly - If I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but do not have love, I have become a noisy gong or a clanging symbol. If I have the gift of prophecy and all knowledge, and have the gift of faith so as to remove mountains, but have not love I am nothing. If I give all my possessions to feed to poor, and deliver my body to be burned, but do not have love, it profits me nothing. (mostly from memory from the NASB Bible version?)
A significant pile of rocks to be sure.
There really isn't anything they could do to make it better. Not anymore. That time has come and gone. Truly, this isn't about them now. This story is about the pile of rocks that significantly marks my current landmark decision. Let's see. Inventory: I forgave them. I set them free. They don't owe me anything. I commit them into the Lord's hands. Now? No. They didn't magically disappear. It's the same concept that happens when we do something against ourselves.
The other day I was pulling out of the parking space at work trying to get out of the parking lot, but I neglected to see the curb that was on the right of me. The agonizing sounds and stupid, stupid, stupid...that I felt when it was too late to go back and start over. Did I demolish my beautiful car? I drove home thinking this all the way, wondering did I destroy my car? I was too embarrassed to look in the parking lot. Stupid huh? I was mortified! I should have just checked. But, no! I had to drive all the way home and have a look when I got there. She was just fine. No damage done. Whew! I did berate myself all the way home. All 25-30 minutes of it. I could have just checked and it would have been a different ride. Landmark. See the lightbulb? Daddy...I wish I could tell you about it! He would have laughed. Maybe he was laughing when he saw me pull out?
Of these stones, I set/leave forgiveness for MY mistakes. Those were heavy stones. It took years to bring them here. Passers-by may graffiti on them, hike a leg, or in some way try to bring them down, just as I think I did others stones. I'm sorry God. Will you help me be a respecter of other's stones?
Most of the pain is gone now. I see reminders of it every now and then, but I don't want to go there anymore. It's not worth the trouble. I don't live with those people anymore and they aren't close to me. That's okay. Neither do I seek them out and try to go on as if nothing ever happened. I can be around them and not growl or take potshots. I can speak pleasantly and know in my heart that I came to peace about what happened. I am not open to more garbage! I am open to the Lord showing me when I'm in those situations, how I can display forgiveness. I think this stone came about because I realized that I forgive me too. I live with me every day and I need to be at peace with myself. Just like I couldn't hate my ex because I saw him on the faces of every one of my children, saw him in their expressions and gestures, their voices, their walk, their laughter. No. I don't hate him. I'm not in love with him anymore though - that was another huge stone. Praying for him did that. It took the sting out.
So, now when you pass by my pile of stones, I hope it makes you smile like it does me. One of them says, "You've come a long way, Baby!" That one is my favorite. I forgive me. I set me free. I don't owe me anything. I commit me into the Lord's hands...
Saturday, January 7, 2017
Sunday, September 25, 2016
A True Knight in Shining Armor
A recent experience evoked in me thoughts about the concept. I admit, my skepticism that an ideal man out there (as the definition implies) seemed to hold true to the whole fairytale theme except for one area. You see, I believe at the very core of my being that God is the only really true Knight in Shining Armor. If ever there was the perfect protector, the One who loves even if I gain weight (ha ha) who keeps His Word of honor, defends my honor, is a gentleman, who is generous and kind, courageous and good - it is definitely Him! He committed Himself to me a long time ago and He has never wavered. Oh my! I do love Him! Sigh! And who could live up to THOSE standards? He lets me be who I am without complaint. He actually enjoys who I am and encourages me to excel. He doesn't criticize or cut me down when I make a mistake. He helps me see what is the answer and patiently helps me walk through those mysterious and sometimes murky waters of exploration and discovery, as He protects my fragile heart to grow stronger in humility. He doesn't nitpick or oppress me into being what He wants. He kisses my face and holds me in His arms until I'm so full I think I might burst. He talks to me about life and laughs with me. He makes my life meaningful and with everything in me I want to make him smile when He thinks of me! I feel safe and secure with Him! We have a long history and have walked together through many dangers and heartaches. He has never abandoned me or forsaken me. Even when I thought He did and accused Him of not caring He didn't get offended or trade me in for another model. I hear His thoughts about me and I can tell He thinks good thoughts. It comes out in His actions toward me. He knows what music I like and He likes my music. He loves my family and works to help them because He knows how much it means to me. He is compassionate and passionate. He is wise beyond compare. He doesn't mind when I ask difficult questions. He'll hash it out with me unless I'm just being stubborn then He will either let me stew in my thoughts with a nugget to ponder or He will remind me of what is true. He amazes me with His abilities. He is capable and He always has something going. I like how He keeps it fresh - He's not lazy when it comes to our relationship. I always wonder what He's up to, but not in a way that makes me question His faithfulness to me. Faithful is His middle name! There's not a cheating bone in His body! What more could a woman ask for?
Monday, November 16, 2015
My Beloved
Dearly Beloved;
We are gathered here today to clear the air, to hopefully gain some perspective, to put things to right, and to bring about some semblance of order in an unruly and stubbornly difficult area. Mind you, this might be tough or even painful, but it must be done. Who else is going to do it? We wouldn't want to just leave things as they are. Maybe you do, but that's just it! With things just "left as they are" they do not get better, but rather bitter. It is festering and smoldering, so it must be uprooted and put out! I long for peace and entreat you my dearest; please give heart and listen to what I have to say. I love you and I always will! You are my dearly beloved. That is a fact that will never, ever, ever change. I know you have felt otherwise over the years. I'm so sorry that I failed you. I let you down. I hurt you and when I should have left the door open, I closed it behind you That decision cost us both very much. It left me grieved and you afraid and seemingly alone. Oh my heart for you! I miss you and pray for you dear one. My words, they are inadequate to describe the loss and the regret in this one thing concerning you. You are valuable to me, were valuable to me then as well. What I failed to do back then was to recognize the vulnerability underneath that crusty, hardened exterior you were showing me. I reacted! I made a mistake that I could not undo. Are you forever lost to me? Is there no recourse? I wish I could say just the right thing to let you know exactly what your heart cries out for, but I do not know what that is. Only God knows what that is. There's time that has been lost and I know it. Oh Redeemer God! I cannot hide behind the weakness of my upbringing nor the illness that plagued me at the time. I take responsibility for my actions and I understand how my ignorance brought you to a place of desolate brokenness and bitterness of mind and/or memory. Do you remember the circumstances of that fateful day? I dared to discipline because there were others who were being hurt or threatened. Actions leading up to this day - claims upon that which is mine by authority such as my dwelling place and my safe harbor were desired, but they were not at hand to give. Such as things were, I struggled with behaviors growing in the heart of a "tween" who wielded power, granted a big sword, but truly was way too young to bear it. This power that was unfair and against my heartfelt wishes. I was left mute, unable to say or do anything against the tide of events that overtook my life. From the moment you arrived, it was my beloved who won the heart of what I thought was mine. I learned in time that I had no say in that either. I didn't sign up for the lonely desert. I didn't bargain for the life of desolation on the backside of the deepest, darkest pit I've ever seen. Unfortunately, I was given knowledge about the day that came, a bit of a head's up, but I didn't know by whom the news would be delivered first. I started to see the walls of my dreams, my family, my heart literally begin to crumble before my eyes. Do you think it cost me nothing to walk out this path that was before me? Do you think your choices had no effect upon all who loved you? There were incidences of charcoal and heartbreak, immodest choices, bad company, those days that felt like spinning wheels and muck, like mire. Yes, those evil religious people, those sickened in their mind and others who spoke and did things that hurt my beloved. Why didn't I see what was happening or know exactly what to do? Why didn't I know right away? I didn't. I'm so sorry! I didn't, until after you were hurt. Why things were the way they were - I could judge myself a thousand ways and still not render enough judgement, but that is destructive. I had to be strong for all. I had to live for you and them. I had to live for me too. I had more expectations placed upon me, more dire needs clamoring for my attention, time, effort, and decision. I was not...complete. I was broken too. Many times I could have run away. I could have used other means to cope, but I didn't. Yes, I made mistakes in judgment and in understanding you.
From cello strings to red noses, from hatted and catted story books, from singing songs and loving arms - my heart and my love still stands at the ready, yet unsure how to proceed because beyond those things and in between those things pain radiates as a thorn in the lion's foot, a festered splinter. Who am I to offer to take it out? I have soaked this matter in the Word - the warmth of the Love of God - the washing water of the Word will take out the sting. I know it's power! My beloved, the day has come to rip the page out of the journal that reeks of death and send it either up in flames or down the river never to be seen again. I'm asking, pleading, praying - will you forgive me? Will you lay this down with me? I speak to these dead bones - LIVE! in Jesus' Name LIVE! I call you forth beloved of the covenant - sing to the Lord a NEW song! The Blood of Jesus covers our lives and we can walk in freedom! I release you into the Hands of the Father - and I pray for restoration.
Please hear my heart! I love you beloved! I love you!
We are gathered here today to clear the air, to hopefully gain some perspective, to put things to right, and to bring about some semblance of order in an unruly and stubbornly difficult area. Mind you, this might be tough or even painful, but it must be done. Who else is going to do it? We wouldn't want to just leave things as they are. Maybe you do, but that's just it! With things just "left as they are" they do not get better, but rather bitter. It is festering and smoldering, so it must be uprooted and put out! I long for peace and entreat you my dearest; please give heart and listen to what I have to say. I love you and I always will! You are my dearly beloved. That is a fact that will never, ever, ever change. I know you have felt otherwise over the years. I'm so sorry that I failed you. I let you down. I hurt you and when I should have left the door open, I closed it behind you That decision cost us both very much. It left me grieved and you afraid and seemingly alone. Oh my heart for you! I miss you and pray for you dear one. My words, they are inadequate to describe the loss and the regret in this one thing concerning you. You are valuable to me, were valuable to me then as well. What I failed to do back then was to recognize the vulnerability underneath that crusty, hardened exterior you were showing me. I reacted! I made a mistake that I could not undo. Are you forever lost to me? Is there no recourse? I wish I could say just the right thing to let you know exactly what your heart cries out for, but I do not know what that is. Only God knows what that is. There's time that has been lost and I know it. Oh Redeemer God! I cannot hide behind the weakness of my upbringing nor the illness that plagued me at the time. I take responsibility for my actions and I understand how my ignorance brought you to a place of desolate brokenness and bitterness of mind and/or memory. Do you remember the circumstances of that fateful day? I dared to discipline because there were others who were being hurt or threatened. Actions leading up to this day - claims upon that which is mine by authority such as my dwelling place and my safe harbor were desired, but they were not at hand to give. Such as things were, I struggled with behaviors growing in the heart of a "tween" who wielded power, granted a big sword, but truly was way too young to bear it. This power that was unfair and against my heartfelt wishes. I was left mute, unable to say or do anything against the tide of events that overtook my life. From the moment you arrived, it was my beloved who won the heart of what I thought was mine. I learned in time that I had no say in that either. I didn't sign up for the lonely desert. I didn't bargain for the life of desolation on the backside of the deepest, darkest pit I've ever seen. Unfortunately, I was given knowledge about the day that came, a bit of a head's up, but I didn't know by whom the news would be delivered first. I started to see the walls of my dreams, my family, my heart literally begin to crumble before my eyes. Do you think it cost me nothing to walk out this path that was before me? Do you think your choices had no effect upon all who loved you? There were incidences of charcoal and heartbreak, immodest choices, bad company, those days that felt like spinning wheels and muck, like mire. Yes, those evil religious people, those sickened in their mind and others who spoke and did things that hurt my beloved. Why didn't I see what was happening or know exactly what to do? Why didn't I know right away? I didn't. I'm so sorry! I didn't, until after you were hurt. Why things were the way they were - I could judge myself a thousand ways and still not render enough judgement, but that is destructive. I had to be strong for all. I had to live for you and them. I had to live for me too. I had more expectations placed upon me, more dire needs clamoring for my attention, time, effort, and decision. I was not...complete. I was broken too. Many times I could have run away. I could have used other means to cope, but I didn't. Yes, I made mistakes in judgment and in understanding you.
From cello strings to red noses, from hatted and catted story books, from singing songs and loving arms - my heart and my love still stands at the ready, yet unsure how to proceed because beyond those things and in between those things pain radiates as a thorn in the lion's foot, a festered splinter. Who am I to offer to take it out? I have soaked this matter in the Word - the warmth of the Love of God - the washing water of the Word will take out the sting. I know it's power! My beloved, the day has come to rip the page out of the journal that reeks of death and send it either up in flames or down the river never to be seen again. I'm asking, pleading, praying - will you forgive me? Will you lay this down with me? I speak to these dead bones - LIVE! in Jesus' Name LIVE! I call you forth beloved of the covenant - sing to the Lord a NEW song! The Blood of Jesus covers our lives and we can walk in freedom! I release you into the Hands of the Father - and I pray for restoration.
Please hear my heart! I love you beloved! I love you!
Thursday, July 16, 2015
Dear Me, (What I would say to me if I were to counsel me!)
Dear Me;
I've written letters to just about everyone I felt strong emotions about over the years to address the hurts, the tired old unforgiveness, or to close the issue. I probably have a few more I will want to write, but not at this moment. Right now I think it's time to write one to me! There are feelings that get all bottled up and sometimes it just needs to have an outlet somewhere. Here goes! I will try to be graceful here and not "barf". If you are reading this, please read with an open heart!
Me - I like you (most of the time) and I respect you even though I see your flaws and remember some of the mistakes you made both big and small! Actually, I think you're doing great! You've come a long way baby! Recently, you recognized manipulation that someone was trying to play out on you and instead of letting it get the best of you, you just let them go! Wow! I am seriously shocked at how much you have grown in this area. You dealt with it positively and you can honestly say you have no regrets about that person! Way to go! What a relief isn't it? I know it makes you mad to realize what is actually being said by their actions - in essence "they do not care about you at all - not one iota". Sad, but true. Here you took that person at their word, you opened up your heart, and unfortunately, their words fell short...again. No hero there. No knight in shining armor. I know it's a bummer - you had such high hopes that you would see them shine through. Realistically speaking, you know deep in your heart of hearts that the armor of knights these days do not see much in the way of polish because polish happens in a person who is a watchman over their soul. Also rare. There are a few out there, this time it just wasn't to be. Sigh. Disappointing I know. There aren't many who shine and become a hero in your eyes. Why is that? I think it's because if a person does not do what they say you lose respect right off.
Admittedly, you learned a great deal from this situation though. You may not have expectations in certain areas per se, but common courtesies were ignored. It is one thing to be too hard on someone (and at times - you put a few nails in the ol' coffin girl), and another thing altogether to be expected to put up with trashy, ignorant behavior. You did right by you Me by stepping back when you saw that you were not valued enough to be sought after, pursued, and considered a worthwhile discovery. You are not the kind of woman who is willing to allow the best part of you to be destroyed so someone else can walk away with your heart. At least, not anymore. It is obvious that it was not meant to be and on this side of things, it is actually a relief to know. Don't you think? What is it that gives hope a knight is even out there? Remember the book you listened to at work? Remember how the "character traits" exhibited humility, love, and courage you found so attractive and encouraging? I know it was "just a book", but you have witnessed for yourself the caliber of man you would like to know - it's rare for sure, but you caught a glimpse and your heart was warmed at the thought. God has promised many awesome things I don't want you to forget! Remember how you realized that God is the One who ultimately has all of those traits? He is the One that makes your heart skip a beat! I mean it would be difficult to live up to that for just a "regular ol' guy", but it is possible to recognize those traits in a man, provided he has God living in the depths of his heart. In order to impress you his heart would have to be synced with God's. Perfection? No. Imperfection graced by Perfection Himself. Yes!
The minute you turned, took a step away from all the garbage that was trying to swallow you up, it was the beginning step toward healing, restoration, and major growth if you ask me! Who needs someone who doesn't get you? Who doesn't get God? Do not apologize for loving God! Do not allow your convictions and the reaction you received to those convictions discourage you. Just keep walking. Don't stop! Focus!
What's even more interesting is what else I witnessed going on in your heart. The temptation to be hard-hearted is always going to present itself, but you chose to pray for that person. Yes, you had to distance yourself from the situation and them, but that is for your sanity and well-being! It's getting easier to do that isn't it! Now that you recognize the manipulation for what it is, you don't have to put your feelings out there and you can release it. I saw the pearls that were held out to you (they were fake and it didn't take long for you to recognize that either!). The intention was clear - to strip you of all of your valuables and give nothing in return. Good thing you were listening to the Lord! Keep your ears open. That person does not want to value your heart, so guard it Missy! When you notice that your best interest is not their goal - run honey! RUN the other way! Don't allow them to walk right in any more. The door used to be open to them, but they will have to inquire first outside the gate now and even then...batten down the hatches. Oh well! Your heart is not hard toward them, but you've been here done that - no more! That's just testimony of the work God has been doing in your heart. Don't let go of God! Though the circumstances have been somewhat discouraging, hang in there! Some people won't understand where you're going or what you're about - that's just life. You are in the process of learning to be direct and honest in a way that is kind, is commendable. You know you've made mistakes and people have been hurt. So have you. You don't like to be direct because it is uncomfortable, but sometimes it is necessary and you're doing that one small step at a time. Allow room to grow and do not condemn yourself. These are milestones for you Me, and you know not everyone is going to appreciate what I see, know, and remember. I know its been lonely lately and people let you down. The value of being a person of your word doesn't diminish because those you have come in contact with do not value their own word or HIS for that matter. Don't forget that no one can fill the place in your heart meant only for the Most Awesome One. He doesn't lie, cheat, steal, turn his back on you, harm you, or betray you in any way. He looks out for you and deeply cares about your life. Pretty good counsel if I do say so myself. It would be great to have a companion, friend, partner...God knows your heart. The desire is there for a reason.
Memories will have to be categorized. Some things (memories) are not worth keeping around. Jettison those bad ones unless remembering them helps you push forward. You've found new ways to keep yourself busy and positive - get at it and stay at it! Remember how much better you felt because you invested time in what means most to you? You can do this! Get going after those dreams and goals - press in until you see it come to pass! You can be the best version of you ever. Pray darlin'!
That other issue that you heard while listening to that song last week. Don't lose heart! He is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that you ask for or think! You can't see it right now - that's okay! You' don't have to when you make the choice to trust Him. Think about it. Trusting God doesn't always make sense. The pieces of the future will unfold as God sees fit. Me - you take courage. If there is a someone, I believe with all my heart, that that man will like you and want to be with you. They will seek the time, make the time to cultivate a lasting friendship and relationship. No more wasting time on people who don't really care or know the meaning of "dating". Once you see they are not willing to "invest" (this does not necessarily mean spending money, but rather their time, give of themselves, and maybe money too eventually), just move on down the road. They are playing games! You know that you are capable of giving thoughtfully and generously - don't waste it on someone who is stingy with their life.
Another thing you need to hear Me - there are those who will never appreciate you for you. You have to realize that the security of your being is safe in Jesus' hands! I commit you into His hands again. Allow the rejections and hurts to bounce off and go straight up to the throne. He will take them and then fill you back up with His presence. He is faithful and good - very good! Some people won't ever get you. Again, that's okay. The time will come when God will bring the right people into your life that will build you up and will be reciprocal in nature. They will not only build you up, but will allow you to invest into their lives too. Those are God-built relationships. He knows what you need and desire - He will meet those needs His way, in His time. That person will just "fit". Me, you are worthy of having people who care about you. You have a lot to give and much love to offer someone. One day life will change for the better! Now pick that chin up, keep working on your health, finish school, stay focused on your goals, work that awesome job, and like who you are - all of you! Sincerely Me.
I've written letters to just about everyone I felt strong emotions about over the years to address the hurts, the tired old unforgiveness, or to close the issue. I probably have a few more I will want to write, but not at this moment. Right now I think it's time to write one to me! There are feelings that get all bottled up and sometimes it just needs to have an outlet somewhere. Here goes! I will try to be graceful here and not "barf". If you are reading this, please read with an open heart!
Me - I like you (most of the time) and I respect you even though I see your flaws and remember some of the mistakes you made both big and small! Actually, I think you're doing great! You've come a long way baby! Recently, you recognized manipulation that someone was trying to play out on you and instead of letting it get the best of you, you just let them go! Wow! I am seriously shocked at how much you have grown in this area. You dealt with it positively and you can honestly say you have no regrets about that person! Way to go! What a relief isn't it? I know it makes you mad to realize what is actually being said by their actions - in essence "they do not care about you at all - not one iota". Sad, but true. Here you took that person at their word, you opened up your heart, and unfortunately, their words fell short...again. No hero there. No knight in shining armor. I know it's a bummer - you had such high hopes that you would see them shine through. Realistically speaking, you know deep in your heart of hearts that the armor of knights these days do not see much in the way of polish because polish happens in a person who is a watchman over their soul. Also rare. There are a few out there, this time it just wasn't to be. Sigh. Disappointing I know. There aren't many who shine and become a hero in your eyes. Why is that? I think it's because if a person does not do what they say you lose respect right off.
Admittedly, you learned a great deal from this situation though. You may not have expectations in certain areas per se, but common courtesies were ignored. It is one thing to be too hard on someone (and at times - you put a few nails in the ol' coffin girl), and another thing altogether to be expected to put up with trashy, ignorant behavior. You did right by you Me by stepping back when you saw that you were not valued enough to be sought after, pursued, and considered a worthwhile discovery. You are not the kind of woman who is willing to allow the best part of you to be destroyed so someone else can walk away with your heart. At least, not anymore. It is obvious that it was not meant to be and on this side of things, it is actually a relief to know. Don't you think? What is it that gives hope a knight is even out there? Remember the book you listened to at work? Remember how the "character traits" exhibited humility, love, and courage you found so attractive and encouraging? I know it was "just a book", but you have witnessed for yourself the caliber of man you would like to know - it's rare for sure, but you caught a glimpse and your heart was warmed at the thought. God has promised many awesome things I don't want you to forget! Remember how you realized that God is the One who ultimately has all of those traits? He is the One that makes your heart skip a beat! I mean it would be difficult to live up to that for just a "regular ol' guy", but it is possible to recognize those traits in a man, provided he has God living in the depths of his heart. In order to impress you his heart would have to be synced with God's. Perfection? No. Imperfection graced by Perfection Himself. Yes!
The minute you turned, took a step away from all the garbage that was trying to swallow you up, it was the beginning step toward healing, restoration, and major growth if you ask me! Who needs someone who doesn't get you? Who doesn't get God? Do not apologize for loving God! Do not allow your convictions and the reaction you received to those convictions discourage you. Just keep walking. Don't stop! Focus!
What's even more interesting is what else I witnessed going on in your heart. The temptation to be hard-hearted is always going to present itself, but you chose to pray for that person. Yes, you had to distance yourself from the situation and them, but that is for your sanity and well-being! It's getting easier to do that isn't it! Now that you recognize the manipulation for what it is, you don't have to put your feelings out there and you can release it. I saw the pearls that were held out to you (they were fake and it didn't take long for you to recognize that either!). The intention was clear - to strip you of all of your valuables and give nothing in return. Good thing you were listening to the Lord! Keep your ears open. That person does not want to value your heart, so guard it Missy! When you notice that your best interest is not their goal - run honey! RUN the other way! Don't allow them to walk right in any more. The door used to be open to them, but they will have to inquire first outside the gate now and even then...batten down the hatches. Oh well! Your heart is not hard toward them, but you've been here done that - no more! That's just testimony of the work God has been doing in your heart. Don't let go of God! Though the circumstances have been somewhat discouraging, hang in there! Some people won't understand where you're going or what you're about - that's just life. You are in the process of learning to be direct and honest in a way that is kind, is commendable. You know you've made mistakes and people have been hurt. So have you. You don't like to be direct because it is uncomfortable, but sometimes it is necessary and you're doing that one small step at a time. Allow room to grow and do not condemn yourself. These are milestones for you Me, and you know not everyone is going to appreciate what I see, know, and remember. I know its been lonely lately and people let you down. The value of being a person of your word doesn't diminish because those you have come in contact with do not value their own word or HIS for that matter. Don't forget that no one can fill the place in your heart meant only for the Most Awesome One. He doesn't lie, cheat, steal, turn his back on you, harm you, or betray you in any way. He looks out for you and deeply cares about your life. Pretty good counsel if I do say so myself. It would be great to have a companion, friend, partner...God knows your heart. The desire is there for a reason.
Memories will have to be categorized. Some things (memories) are not worth keeping around. Jettison those bad ones unless remembering them helps you push forward. You've found new ways to keep yourself busy and positive - get at it and stay at it! Remember how much better you felt because you invested time in what means most to you? You can do this! Get going after those dreams and goals - press in until you see it come to pass! You can be the best version of you ever. Pray darlin'!
That other issue that you heard while listening to that song last week. Don't lose heart! He is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that you ask for or think! You can't see it right now - that's okay! You' don't have to when you make the choice to trust Him. Think about it. Trusting God doesn't always make sense. The pieces of the future will unfold as God sees fit. Me - you take courage. If there is a someone, I believe with all my heart, that that man will like you and want to be with you. They will seek the time, make the time to cultivate a lasting friendship and relationship. No more wasting time on people who don't really care or know the meaning of "dating". Once you see they are not willing to "invest" (this does not necessarily mean spending money, but rather their time, give of themselves, and maybe money too eventually), just move on down the road. They are playing games! You know that you are capable of giving thoughtfully and generously - don't waste it on someone who is stingy with their life.
Another thing you need to hear Me - there are those who will never appreciate you for you. You have to realize that the security of your being is safe in Jesus' hands! I commit you into His hands again. Allow the rejections and hurts to bounce off and go straight up to the throne. He will take them and then fill you back up with His presence. He is faithful and good - very good! Some people won't ever get you. Again, that's okay. The time will come when God will bring the right people into your life that will build you up and will be reciprocal in nature. They will not only build you up, but will allow you to invest into their lives too. Those are God-built relationships. He knows what you need and desire - He will meet those needs His way, in His time. That person will just "fit". Me, you are worthy of having people who care about you. You have a lot to give and much love to offer someone. One day life will change for the better! Now pick that chin up, keep working on your health, finish school, stay focused on your goals, work that awesome job, and like who you are - all of you! Sincerely Me.
Saturday, June 14, 2014
What I couldn't say, but I will now
Many times I started to say something only to be shut down and any open doors slammed in my face. Just the mention of an issue and I was shut down, locked out, and dismissed. The issue will not be discussed! It would not be talked about or resolved. Resolution was written off and reconciliation apparently was not desired. Even the existence of the issue was denied altogether though the outcome of ignoring it or "not discussing it" has brought about destruction that has and will reverberate for years to come. So sad and unnecessary. I can speak to those issues now and I will. Right here! No one can stop me now. I have walked through many miles of forgiveness and there is distance between myself and the carnage of those cruel times. Thank God! I do believe there is a time and place for everything, so I am giving myself much-needed permission to speak to those things now and instead of it being me sitting there having to "take it" quietly, it is the person who reads this knowing I refer to them and their treatment of me. So...la de dah!
I witnessed my character being underestimated several times in my life. Either that or I was brushed off as not having any character at all. How wrong you were! This assessment was based on what? I admit I have been opinionated about issues to you and have since learned I was wrong on some counts, however, not on all. Having trust in and respect for someone is valuable, but not necessarily valued. I respected and valued you! Yet a blame of some kind was aimed at me. I was pushed aside and disrespected though I poured out my heart and my whole being on the altar of "The calling". I will not apologize for taking you at your word, nor will I bow to that horrid monster of flesh that tried to rule over me back then. It was evil and cruel what was done to me. Why? What did I do to deserve such treatment? You were too much of a coward to face your own demons - so much so that you blamed me for them and let me take the punishment. All the while you spoke of grace to others. Well - I took all of the garbage you threw at me and passed it on up to Someone much bigger than I. "I take the blame" I heard when I prayed. Though it was obvious you wished evil upon me and for a while I wished the same for you in return, that is not the case anymore. It hasn't been the case for many years now. I realized that it wasn't me at all. I have no regrets! I was healed because of the realization that I know I obeyed God! I know I loved with all my heart! I know that I gave, I stayed, and I was faithful to what I know I was supposed to do. Did I have faults. Yes! Did I make mistakes? Yes, definitely. You may never hear my heart and I don't really care anymore. I blessed you and sacrificed for you, but it was too hard for you to give in return - you didn't realize that by withholding you cheated yourself out of so much! I offered you the cup of my life and you drank it down not offering yours in return, but you were robbed! I know there are things that were "installed" in my experience and in my being that was meant to bring life to you and vice-versa.
I was told that even if that person said they were sorry that it probably would not be enough. I've chewed on that for a few years now. Truth is, it probably wouldn't! Though there were times when I felt you were close to apologizing - it never came my way. Something would have been nice! Something directly addressing the hurt and loss honestly - that showed thoughtfulness and repentance. I think it would have made such a big difference over the years if you had just made it point to not be a jerk when dealing with me! There were so many times it was just a little thing and you robbed me of the enjoyment because of your selfishness. You had to be hateful to maintain your current image? Image...the outward appearance to cover an inward stinking pile (in your case). I will admit, there are times and seasons when I am angry all over again - certain reminders of what was lost just makes me shake my head in anger, but it doesn't last and once again I give it back to the Lord until it goes away. I trust Him and know that God has a plan to make things right once again, some day.
I don't miss you like I used to. I don't dream about you or long for you like I once did.
I know I have forgiven you. I am not where I was back then and I am thankful for it.
I witnessed my character being underestimated several times in my life. Either that or I was brushed off as not having any character at all. How wrong you were! This assessment was based on what? I admit I have been opinionated about issues to you and have since learned I was wrong on some counts, however, not on all. Having trust in and respect for someone is valuable, but not necessarily valued. I respected and valued you! Yet a blame of some kind was aimed at me. I was pushed aside and disrespected though I poured out my heart and my whole being on the altar of "The calling". I will not apologize for taking you at your word, nor will I bow to that horrid monster of flesh that tried to rule over me back then. It was evil and cruel what was done to me. Why? What did I do to deserve such treatment? You were too much of a coward to face your own demons - so much so that you blamed me for them and let me take the punishment. All the while you spoke of grace to others. Well - I took all of the garbage you threw at me and passed it on up to Someone much bigger than I. "I take the blame" I heard when I prayed. Though it was obvious you wished evil upon me and for a while I wished the same for you in return, that is not the case anymore. It hasn't been the case for many years now. I realized that it wasn't me at all. I have no regrets! I was healed because of the realization that I know I obeyed God! I know I loved with all my heart! I know that I gave, I stayed, and I was faithful to what I know I was supposed to do. Did I have faults. Yes! Did I make mistakes? Yes, definitely. You may never hear my heart and I don't really care anymore. I blessed you and sacrificed for you, but it was too hard for you to give in return - you didn't realize that by withholding you cheated yourself out of so much! I offered you the cup of my life and you drank it down not offering yours in return, but you were robbed! I know there are things that were "installed" in my experience and in my being that was meant to bring life to you and vice-versa.
I was told that even if that person said they were sorry that it probably would not be enough. I've chewed on that for a few years now. Truth is, it probably wouldn't! Though there were times when I felt you were close to apologizing - it never came my way. Something would have been nice! Something directly addressing the hurt and loss honestly - that showed thoughtfulness and repentance. I think it would have made such a big difference over the years if you had just made it point to not be a jerk when dealing with me! There were so many times it was just a little thing and you robbed me of the enjoyment because of your selfishness. You had to be hateful to maintain your current image? Image...the outward appearance to cover an inward stinking pile (in your case). I will admit, there are times and seasons when I am angry all over again - certain reminders of what was lost just makes me shake my head in anger, but it doesn't last and once again I give it back to the Lord until it goes away. I trust Him and know that God has a plan to make things right once again, some day.
I don't miss you like I used to. I don't dream about you or long for you like I once did.
I know I have forgiven you. I am not where I was back then and I am thankful for it.
Monday, March 31, 2014
The Word "Transition"
Transition:
1 a: passage from one state, stage, subject, or place to another
b: a movement, development, or evolution from one form, stage, or style to another
I tried to squeeze through the passage, but I'm too fat. I have to wait to pass through transition until I lose some weight first? This might explain the reason for the carving going on in my life. Physically I need to lose weight too - probably about 50 pounds? I've gotten fat and I've never been in this place before. I've gradually gained over the last number of years. I don't like it. I also don't like the way life has changed - particularly in certain areas. For example: Why do I have to "think" about exercising? I used to just do stuff and the weight stayed off. As a matter of fact, I had trouble gaining weight. Now, I have to exert some kind of thought and planning into it because there aren't exercise "things" that just happen much. Why is that? I know how old I am (I'm tempted to furrow my brows and frown), I just don't believe it. LOL. On the outside, I KNOW I'm getting older, but on the inside I don't feel "old".
1 a: passage from one state, stage, subject, or place to another
b: a movement, development, or evolution from one form, stage, or style to another
2
a : a musical modulation b : a musical passage leading from one section of a piece to another
(definition from Merriam Webster's Dictionary online)
The word "transition" reminds me of having babies. Getting to the point of transition is often bumpy, full of pain, and quite a bit of panting and puffing. Don't forget there must be a focal point, ice chips. I personally required a cool wet washcloth used to distract myself. It also helps to have your partner present; someone whose hand is available to squeeze until it turns blue, and who could coach me with the right breathing when the pain came on with ferocity.
For me the word "Limbo" is often also associated with transition. The definitions a, c, and d, I've listed below apply to me here. I don't see transition as a place of neglect or oblivion - not in this case (definition b).
LIMBO
LIMBO
1
often capitalized : an abode of souls that are according to Roman Catholic theology barred from heaven because of not having received Christian baptism
2
a : a place or state of restraint or confinementb : a place or state of neglect or oblivion <proposals kept inlimbo>c : an intermediate or transitional place or stated : a state of uncertainty
(Definition of LIMBO from Merriam Webster's Dictionary)
I don't know what to say about that first definition of limbo - abode of souls? That definition sounds like purgatory. I only listed it because it was in the dictionary, okay?
Restraint - definitely is a part of this process of transition I've been in. My kids are almost grown and it has been a very different place to watch the pieces develop. I can't just jump in there anymore and direct traffic. I have to let them hash things out for themselves. I am kept from other areas too that are painful for me to just sit by and watch. Family growing pains I guess.
Restraint - definitely is a part of this process of transition I've been in. My kids are almost grown and it has been a very different place to watch the pieces develop. I can't just jump in there anymore and direct traffic. I have to let them hash things out for themselves. I am kept from other areas too that are painful for me to just sit by and watch. Family growing pains I guess.
I am wondering what to do about my job and future. Child support stopped bringing with it a major drop in income. Thus, the "state of uncertainty" that has lasted ever since.
Life has to go forward or it stagnates. I like to hold on to the good things, but I want new things to happen too. My life has already undergone so much change recently. When in labor transition I knew there was something good when it was all done.
The grass is yellowing in the yard, my roommate says. "It needs nitrogen" says her brilliant landscape artiste' brother. In other words it needs chicken poop. The moral of that story is - if you're yellow the cure is chicken poop. Trouble will give you courage and force you to make decisions you didn't think you could make.
In the last few years I kept making the comment (my youngest children might recall) about feeling as if blades were being brought down upon either side of me to shave away the unnecessary things in my life. Painful and frustrating yet it has lightened my life/load.
I mentioned my roommate.
Ahhh yes, my roommate. This is another fairly recent change. I no longer have my own apartment or house. Rather I rent a room in a house from family. I'm the youngest of five girls, three boys and one of my four sisters lives here too. She is next up from me! My sister lives across the hall. I love it! Surprisingly, it works well for me. I have few responsibilities other than plants who need water. That is a total switch from having the kids at home. I miss them very much, but I'm happy they are independent and seem to enjoy it too. I pay my rent and a little extra for my cable, which has freed me up to work on paying off nagging little bills and get finished with school. I'm getting a degree in BS! Bachelor of Science in Health Informatics. I am a senior near the end of this year! More transition. My hope is to earn enough from my BS to have "do-power!" LOL Not doo-doo power, though if that works for some it might possibly work for me too. I will have to think more on that later.
Did you notice I steered away from the fat part of this conversation? I'm trying to stay away from it and that's just another way to cut down!
I met yet another person who runs for exercise last night and the message in my heart was reiterated. I used to run. In my heart I run. My body...not yet. I am going to try the program for my IPhone she suggested - The Couch to 5K app. It yells at you to WALK...RUN...WALK...RUN to do interval training. We'll see. I don't let very many people yell at me. It is for that reason especially that I don't like super hard rock music. IF I am going to be yelled at I would like to understand what is being said to me at least. They say that our bodies remember what it used to look like. I hope mine didn't develop some kind of muscle or body Alzheimers. I had a nice bod back in the day. I kind of wouldn't mind enjoying a few more miles out of it. My drive to have a hot bod is not the same as it was when I was unmarried as a teen. I want to look good and I also want to keep some of what I've gained on account of it took so long to get it and what is the first thing that goes when losing weight? Decisions, decisions. How to lose weight without losing it?
Another rabbit trail: I just found out a good friend of mine passed away. He and I hadn't talked since I moved back to Washington. I prayed for him at different times since I left. We used to play in a worship band together. He was the bass player and I was the worship leader. I couldn't imagine my life without my friend in it, but whether I liked it or not, I was forced to adjust. It's just the way of life that has taken me many years to see and accept.
Transition means adjustments. Uncomfortable usually, but definitely reality. I am thankful he and I were friends as long as we were - about 4 years. We shared a passion for guitar and worship. I will miss him still, but I smile when I think about times we had.
Change transforms something - if not us than the things that surround us. I try to embrace it, but sometimes it pokes me! Admire change from a distance? Loosely show affection toward change by waving at it (Hello? Goodbye?). I rest assured that it will come over anyway. Like the kid down the street whose mother told him not to eat at the neighbors who somehow ends up with a plate at your table. Ah well! Glad you like my mac' n' cheese.
Life has to go forward or it stagnates. I like to hold on to the good things, but I want new things to happen too. My life has already undergone so much change recently. When in labor transition I knew there was something good when it was all done.
The grass is yellowing in the yard, my roommate says. "It needs nitrogen" says her brilliant landscape artiste' brother. In other words it needs chicken poop. The moral of that story is - if you're yellow the cure is chicken poop. Trouble will give you courage and force you to make decisions you didn't think you could make.
In the last few years I kept making the comment (my youngest children might recall) about feeling as if blades were being brought down upon either side of me to shave away the unnecessary things in my life. Painful and frustrating yet it has lightened my life/load.
I mentioned my roommate.
Ahhh yes, my roommate. This is another fairly recent change. I no longer have my own apartment or house. Rather I rent a room in a house from family. I'm the youngest of five girls, three boys and one of my four sisters lives here too. She is next up from me! My sister lives across the hall. I love it! Surprisingly, it works well for me. I have few responsibilities other than plants who need water. That is a total switch from having the kids at home. I miss them very much, but I'm happy they are independent and seem to enjoy it too. I pay my rent and a little extra for my cable, which has freed me up to work on paying off nagging little bills and get finished with school. I'm getting a degree in BS! Bachelor of Science in Health Informatics. I am a senior near the end of this year! More transition. My hope is to earn enough from my BS to have "do-power!" LOL Not doo-doo power, though if that works for some it might possibly work for me too. I will have to think more on that later.
Did you notice I steered away from the fat part of this conversation? I'm trying to stay away from it and that's just another way to cut down!
I met yet another person who runs for exercise last night and the message in my heart was reiterated. I used to run. In my heart I run. My body...not yet. I am going to try the program for my IPhone she suggested - The Couch to 5K app. It yells at you to WALK...RUN...WALK...RUN to do interval training. We'll see. I don't let very many people yell at me. It is for that reason especially that I don't like super hard rock music. IF I am going to be yelled at I would like to understand what is being said to me at least. They say that our bodies remember what it used to look like. I hope mine didn't develop some kind of muscle or body Alzheimers. I had a nice bod back in the day. I kind of wouldn't mind enjoying a few more miles out of it. My drive to have a hot bod is not the same as it was when I was unmarried as a teen. I want to look good and I also want to keep some of what I've gained on account of it took so long to get it and what is the first thing that goes when losing weight? Decisions, decisions. How to lose weight without losing it?
Another rabbit trail: I just found out a good friend of mine passed away. He and I hadn't talked since I moved back to Washington. I prayed for him at different times since I left. We used to play in a worship band together. He was the bass player and I was the worship leader. I couldn't imagine my life without my friend in it, but whether I liked it or not, I was forced to adjust. It's just the way of life that has taken me many years to see and accept.
Transition means adjustments. Uncomfortable usually, but definitely reality. I am thankful he and I were friends as long as we were - about 4 years. We shared a passion for guitar and worship. I will miss him still, but I smile when I think about times we had.
Change transforms something - if not us than the things that surround us. I try to embrace it, but sometimes it pokes me! Admire change from a distance? Loosely show affection toward change by waving at it (Hello? Goodbye?). I rest assured that it will come over anyway. Like the kid down the street whose mother told him not to eat at the neighbors who somehow ends up with a plate at your table. Ah well! Glad you like my mac' n' cheese.
Monday, January 9, 2012
Hope to Remember
About 16 years ago in Midland, Texas I was trying to bring my groceries into the house. I usually had my kids help me carry them in and I don't particularly recall if they were helping me this time or not. With 6 kids to feed, I had to buy a lot of food!
I don't remember how it happened whether I did it or one of my kids. Someone accidentally dropped a jar of applesauce on the driveway. Of course, the container was glass and it shattered leaving applesauce splashed in a 2 or 3-foot radius. I was trying to figure out how I was going to clean it up before someone cut their foot and at the same time get the groceries in when I saw a bucket sitting there. I herded the kids into the house, grabbed a hand broom and dustpan, scooped up the mess and put it in the bucket right outside the door. I was going to carry it out to the trash later.
We got all the groceries in and I forgot about the bucket until later on that week. I was probably in school during that time while the kids were either in daycare or elementary school. I usually made my circuit to pick up half the kids from daycare and the other half from the YMCA after school program.
Some days were exhausting and I often wondered how I would make it just one more day. The dishes and laundry were my worst enemies. Trying to keep up with the piles on a daily basis didn't happen. I drowned in a sea of keeping meals on the table, doing my homework, tests, chasing the kids, solving fights, fixing "owies", late-night study times, mowing the lawn, something's broken in the house. There were also the bills to pay, divorce to deal with, emotional upheaval in the kids and myself, and my health issues. Then, around this time I heard that my Dad's health was failing. I felt as if the pillars of my house were knocked out and the walls were precariously teetering with whatever wind that blew across the desert of West Texas and those walls were going to fall right down on us, or so I thought.
I came home after "one of those days" to see something dark in the bucket at about 6-ft. distance. I was wary at first because in Texas I never knew what to expect. What happened next would stay with me for years! I was heading toward the front door and when I got close to the bucket sitting by the front door, butterflies came flying out in a cloud! There were so many of them! They seemed to spill from the bucket without end. Apparently, they were eating the applesauce on their journey south. Amazing! The butterflies kept coming back for days and days. I didn't dispose of the broken glass in the bucket for at least a few weeks after. The kids didn't bother the bucket or even seem to pay as much attention to what was happening as I did. Even when it seemed there couldn't possibly be any applesauce left, the butterflies still made the bucket their diner/resting place! They gave me such hope. Hope because God can turn something unpleasant into something so beautiful, unexpected, and unforgettable! Every time I see a butterfly I remember the bright spot of hope during an exhausting time in my life. I'm sure the kids were delighted to see them too. They probably danced around laughing and trying to catch them. I honestly don't remember their reaction as much as I remember the profound hope that these marvelous creatures would stop at MY bucket of applesauce (and broken glass) for a snack or that they'd even stay and rest a while. When they didn't return any more I was sad to see them go, but I appreciated their visit and thanked God for sending them our way. Awesome!
I don't remember how it happened whether I did it or one of my kids. Someone accidentally dropped a jar of applesauce on the driveway. Of course, the container was glass and it shattered leaving applesauce splashed in a 2 or 3-foot radius. I was trying to figure out how I was going to clean it up before someone cut their foot and at the same time get the groceries in when I saw a bucket sitting there. I herded the kids into the house, grabbed a hand broom and dustpan, scooped up the mess and put it in the bucket right outside the door. I was going to carry it out to the trash later.
We got all the groceries in and I forgot about the bucket until later on that week. I was probably in school during that time while the kids were either in daycare or elementary school. I usually made my circuit to pick up half the kids from daycare and the other half from the YMCA after school program.
Some days were exhausting and I often wondered how I would make it just one more day. The dishes and laundry were my worst enemies. Trying to keep up with the piles on a daily basis didn't happen. I drowned in a sea of keeping meals on the table, doing my homework, tests, chasing the kids, solving fights, fixing "owies", late-night study times, mowing the lawn, something's broken in the house. There were also the bills to pay, divorce to deal with, emotional upheaval in the kids and myself, and my health issues. Then, around this time I heard that my Dad's health was failing. I felt as if the pillars of my house were knocked out and the walls were precariously teetering with whatever wind that blew across the desert of West Texas and those walls were going to fall right down on us, or so I thought.
I came home after "one of those days" to see something dark in the bucket at about 6-ft. distance. I was wary at first because in Texas I never knew what to expect. What happened next would stay with me for years! I was heading toward the front door and when I got close to the bucket sitting by the front door, butterflies came flying out in a cloud! There were so many of them! They seemed to spill from the bucket without end. Apparently, they were eating the applesauce on their journey south. Amazing! The butterflies kept coming back for days and days. I didn't dispose of the broken glass in the bucket for at least a few weeks after. The kids didn't bother the bucket or even seem to pay as much attention to what was happening as I did. Even when it seemed there couldn't possibly be any applesauce left, the butterflies still made the bucket their diner/resting place! They gave me such hope. Hope because God can turn something unpleasant into something so beautiful, unexpected, and unforgettable! Every time I see a butterfly I remember the bright spot of hope during an exhausting time in my life. I'm sure the kids were delighted to see them too. They probably danced around laughing and trying to catch them. I honestly don't remember their reaction as much as I remember the profound hope that these marvelous creatures would stop at MY bucket of applesauce (and broken glass) for a snack or that they'd even stay and rest a while. When they didn't return any more I was sad to see them go, but I appreciated their visit and thanked God for sending them our way. Awesome!
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